


inelastic collisions

by lamperouge



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Smut, no beta we die like men, post-angst, set during the blank period, well.. just slightly canon divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29618076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamperouge/pseuds/lamperouge
Summary: an inelastic collision occurs when two objects collide and do not bounce away from each other.[ or, yuugao finds her way to kakashi during her healing. ]
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Uzuki Yuugao
Kudos: 11





	inelastic collisions

**Author's Note:**

> i have been working on this for a month now and i'm so glad to have finished it already lol. there's smut in here and this is like... one of the very first times i've tried to write it so pls be gentle with me on my smut writing skills fhdkjhfjkdf. also better if you listen to [this](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1CeEAnWFxsRpZ3WFyNRmcB?si=22t116sQRCy-tM8nxB-hrw) while you read through it just to elevate the feels and all. so without further ado here's inelastic collisions.

**YUUGAO TRIES TO RECOUNT THE STEPS THAT LED HER HERE.** No matter which angle she looks at, it’s certainly inappropriate for an ANBU Captain to be in the bedroom of the  _ Rokudaime Hokage.  _ Perhaps it would be less inappropriate if it had been something borne out of necessity, but it’s not exactly the scenario here. Instead, Hatake Kakashi, the  _ Rokudaime Hokage  _ himself is sleeping next to her with his mask discarded on the floor on a Saturday morning. 

They don’t do this very often. It only happens during extremely vulnerable moments that lead to the two of them seeking solace in each other. Normally, they would do this in Yuugao’s apartment — the small space making the two of them gravitate to each other even more naturally. But somehow she finds herself in his place this time. 

It started off with an innocent visit to the Hokage’s office to turn in the paperwork that he asked from her. She’d have given it to Shikamaru if it weren’t for the advisor’s noticeable absence. Apparently Kakashi had given him the day off so he could win back Ino’s affection after losing track of time in the office when they were supposed to be watching movies in Choji’s apartment. 

Yuugao found it weird that the children who were in the frontlines of the war are all grown up now and doing their own grown-up things. It reminded her that she’s starting to wither. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t be giving him  _ and  _ yourself too much overtime schedules.” She placed the paperwork in a neat pile on the far left side of Kakashi’s desk. They’ve known each other long enough for Yuugao to comfortably lean against his table without him minding. 

“Evil never sleeps, Yuugao. You know that all too well.” He gave her a knowing look, one that Yuugao understood without needing to look beneath his mask. 

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t,  _ Rokudaime-sama _ .” She shook her head with a smile on her face. It’s in these rare moments that the tables turn on them. Kakashi had always been the one to take care of Yuugao, but now it’s her turn to take care of him even if it’s in this nagging little way that reminds him of his students. 

“Go home, Yuugao. I’ll just be a few minutes. There are a few things left to sign.” He reasoned — but women like Yuugao will never take this for an answer. 

“No can do. Finish that and I’ll make sure to walk you home.” She offered him the softest smile he’d ever seen and Kakashi honestly really doesn’t have it in him to say no to her. Not when she looked so amazing under the fluorescent light of his office. Not when her long violet hair falls softly down her shoulders in a way that makes her look ethereal even with artificial light. 

It’s how they end up going back to his place together. 

The ANBU Captain shifts her position so she could lay on her side to look at Kakashi’s sleeping figure. Yuugao remembers the time where she could only see a single dark gray eye that’s not covered by his mask or his forehead protector. Looking at his eye back then feels too intimate, like it’s not something she should be looking at. 

Now Yuugao looks at him for who he is: human, flawed, and equally broken as she is. Their losses drag their heavy guilt and conscience every single waking moment of their lives, causing them to be alone and isolated at the end of the day. 

Sure Kakashi has the entire village of Konoha, and Yuugao has her ANBU squad — but at the end of the day, they’re both hollowed out on the inside with voids in their chests that are too big to fill.

Before everything, Yuugao did not spend enough time with him in ANBU for her to consider knowing him piece by piece. She’d only spent a good few months as Kakashi’s subordinate in Team Ro and never really had the chance to know more than what he presents at surface level. The only reason why she knows all about his grief is because Tenzo sometimes gets carried away with his stories. 

Such predicament had been the same for Kakashi. Yuugao knows that he’s seen her file, that he knew that she’s from a war-torn village before settling into Konoha. Knew that her parents died during the Nine-Tails’ attack in Konoha. Knew that her entire life story had been surrounded by violence — the very driving factor that led her to ANBU. 

The both of them knew too much about the other to consider themselves as strangers. So they fall into a cycle of push and pull. Releasing little bits of information that they know about the other. Subtly taunting the other during the few times they meet in the memorial. 

It had been a slow dance. The two of them circling each other until one day she asked Kakashi if he wanted to go with her to the monument next time — that way they wouldn’t have to be alone in their thoughts, that there would be someone they could talk to just like what they did prior to the Lord Third’s funeral. 

He agreed and in essence, that’s pretty much where it all began. 

In a way, they share their grief like that. Slowly reaching out to put their hands on each other’s hollowed hearts, trying to find a sliver of hope left in the midst of the destruction and isolation that they have subjected themselves to.

When Kakashi placed his hands on her last night, Yuugao almost feels like she’s being electrocuted back to life. Everyone thinks that the Chidori is the deadliest thing there is to Kakashi. Obviously they’ve never been touched by his hands before. 

He ran a hand through her thighs last night so gently that it feels featherlight on her skin. So tender and soft that it makes Yuugao forget that both their hands have been stained by blood, that their bodies are conditioned to go for weeks of fatigue and exhaustion in order to bring upon destruction and demise. 

“This feels blasphemous.” Yuugao whispered in the shell of his ear when he’d been busy scattering kisses all over her neck and her shoulder. 

“How come?” He stopped kissing her just to look at her with half lidded and sleepy eyes. It’s both blasphemous and holy to have Kakashi Hatake look into her eyes with such conviction and gentleness because it makes Yuugao feel like she’s the only person he cares for. 

“It feels like I’m stealing the  _ Rokudaime-sama  _ from the entire village when you’re like this.” Warmth rose to her cheeks and she had to look away for a moment, refusing to let herself be  _ this  _ vulnerable in front of Kakashi — even if the light from the window isn’t enough to let him see the blush on her cheeks. 

He chuckled like he does not hold the weight of the village on his shoulders, like he doesn’t know pain in this moment. “What do you mean  _ Rokudaime-sama _ ? I’ve always just been Kakashi to you, haven’t I?” 

Just like that, Yuugao Uzuki is grounded back into reality. His thumb digs into her waist when he held her flush against him and Yuugao could feel the heat emanating from his skin despite the chill of the season. Their lips meld together and she pressed herself against him so hard that it feels like they’re  _ one _ . 

Her mother told her about split-aparts back when she was a child. The myth goes like this: humans were created with two heads, four arms, and four legs. They have become creatures so powerful that the God Zeus feared the power they would hold if they existed further. Like any other powerful and greedy God, he split them apart and doomed them into a lifetime of searching for their other half. Yuugao never really liked myths about other halves, not even when Hayate had been alive. She’d always been the realist between the two of them. 

But when she felt Kakashi’s hot breath against her neck while he gently moved against her, she realized that maybe there is a bit of truth to these myths. She rocked her hips against his, guided by their steady and comfortable heartbeats, and thinks that maybe she’s found her split-apart right here. 

As she stares at his sleeping figure, she thinks that they’re a weird yet somewhat functional pair. The ANBU Captain and the Sixth Fire Shadow. Yuugao sighs before forcing that thought in her head to disappear before she finds herself in too deep. 

Kakashi wakes up to see her staring right into him, no, not staring,  _ looking _ at him like she could see his soul — all dark and brooding and with barely anything left to live for. She sees him for who he is, and she doesn’t look away in pity or sadness because it’s what her soul looks like too. 

“Looks like you’re going to be the one doing the walk of shame today.” Kakashi teases, tugging the blanket up to his shoulders and pulling her towards him that their bare chests are touching. 

“I might not be able to with the way you’re holding me right now.” She replies when he buries his nose in her hair. 

“Five more minutes, Yuugao.” He starts to trace circles on her hip, causing Yuugao to soften up against his touch. 

“Alright. But  _ only  _ five minutes.” One thing that they never shared in common is Kakashi’s lack of awareness when it comes to time. Yuugao makes sure to turn up on time for her every single appointment. Never too early, never too late. 

“Wait… I changed my mind. Make that a few more hours.” 

Yuugao ends up staying the entire day. 

-

**MISSION DEBRIEFINGS ARE YUUGAO’S LEAST FAVORITE PART OF BEING ANBU.** She hates it even if it’s done in Kakashi’s office where she has been finding a weird sense of warmth recently. She had been doing this since she’s thirteen, but Yuugao always hated it. There’s something about retracing the steps of her violence that leaves a bitter taste in her tongue. 

Yamato stands beside her, chewing on a piece of gum he found in the pocket of his pants sometime during the third day of their mission. That happened exactly a month and three weeks ago. Frankly, Yuugao finds it gross but doesn’t comment on it further. 

Kakashi gives her a sympathetic look before asking her to narrate what happened. Yuugao tries to keep it as brief as possible so she wouldn’t have to think about how blood feels on her hands, or how Yamato’s dislocated shoulder felt when she popped it back in place. 

When it’s all over, everyone leaves the room except for her. She notices that Shikamaru takes his own leave too. Huh, perhaps there’s something confidential in this meeting that even his right-hand man shouldn’t know about. 

Yuugao braces herself for the next mission assignment. Possibly even bloodier this time considering it’s  _ her  _ he asks for. 

“Are you okay?” It’s a question she doesn’t think she’ll ever be ready for. 

Not a lot of people asked her if she’s okay. Not in this context, at least. Aside from her parents, there’s only Hayate, Yamato, and two of her favored juniors who seemed to care about her general wellbeing — especially after Hayate died and she’d taken on more ANBU related tasks than usual. Yuugao appreciates it, but doesn’t know what to answer most of the time. 

Given the situation right now, she could lie and tell Kakashi that she’s fine but she knows it wouldn’t work. Kakashi Hatake knows her too well for that. She thinks he knows her like the back of his hand — or maybe better… maybe he even knows her to the extent that he could tell what she’s feeling even with his eyes closed. 

“The target knew Hayate.” Yuugao breathes out. She’d long come to terms with the death of her lover. He doesn’t hang over her like a ghost who hasn’t found his way to the afterlife anymore, but it still hurts to think of him especially during violence. 

Professionalism dictates her to leave her grief outside the door. In this office, Yuugao Uzuki is Cat and not  _ herself. _ The ANBU mask is there for a reason. It’s meant to separate the foundations of her very own identity from who she is during these missions. But the biggest flaw in the purpose of the ANBU mask is how it doesn’t consider the people who have built their entire life and identity around ANBU. While it’s never the organization’s duty to clean up after the  _ emotional  _ mess their members become because of the mistakes they made on their own volition, Yuugao wishes that they at least took this into consideration. It’s bound to happen when their recruits are all brought into the organization before they could properly think for themselves emotionally. 

Yuugao wants to blame ANBU for her  _ horrible  _ emotional state, but she knows that she played hand in her own dissolution just as much as the missions and the organization did. 

“I didn’t know… I’m sorry, Yuugao. I wouldn’t have given the mission to your squad if I knew.” Yuugao doesn’t need to look at him to know that guilt is eating him up inside at the moment as well. 

_ Cat  _ understands and knows that she must never discriminate over the missions she’s given. She’s never given the luxury to pick and choose, all she knows is that once the Hokage’s word is out, she must go and unsheath her sword. But  _ Yuugao  _ thinks that maybe all of this is unfair, that the world plays with her emotions and her heart like that without any form of remorse. 

But both  _ Cat and Yuugao  _ just wish that Kakashi would stop trying to take care of her like she could break any minute. She’s already broken — any more attempts of sheltering her would only prolong the pain she has repressed for three years now. 

“You don’t have to take care of me this way,  _ Senpai. _ ” She calls him by the honorific she used back when they first met, back when they’re still dancing around each other. It’s to remind him that this pain is hers to shoulder — while she’s glad that she could turn to him when it all feels too heavy, she hates the fact that he shoulders it too. 

He gives Yuugao a resigned sigh before standing up to wrap her in a warm embrace. If anyone walks in on them, said person would probably find it weird to find the  _ Hokage  _ hugging the ANBU Captain like their lives depended on it. 

“I’m not going to interfere with your growth and your quest to find yourself, Yuugao. But I also just want to make sure that you’re not reminded of the things that hurt you especially when you’re in the battlefield.” There’s an almost-horrifying scenario that hangs at the edge of his words; Yuugao after Hayate’s death. The Yuugao who shed all forms of control to the point of being  _ extremely  _ deadly and unpredictable on the battlefield. 

Once, she came home from a mission after having killed five experienced shinobi while the rest of her team watched in horror as blood splashed all over her. 

Kakashi was on a mission of his own when that happened, but it was the first news he’d heard the moment he got back.  _ Cat came home the other day covered in blood.  _ It sent him running towards the Hokage Tower, immediately debriefing Tsunade before asking her just where  _ Cat  _ is. 

He found her staring blankly at the memorial stone. 

“I just want to go  _ home. _ ” She responds softly, finally taking off the  _ Cat’ _ s persona. All she is now is Yuugao Uzuki who wants to feel her heart beating again. 

“I’ll take you. It’s late anyway.” He takes her hand in his and they walk together to her place that’s just a twenty minute walk away from the Hokage Tower. If anyone notices the Hokage holding the beautiful swordswoman’s hand, they never said a word. 

The moment Yuugao enters her apartment, she hears Kakashi turn on his heel to walk away. She immediately grabs his wrist, staring straight into his eyes when he looks back at her. 

“Stay.” And that he does. 

She pulls down his mask to kiss him the moment he closes the door behind him. Her hands have made home on his shoulders and their breathing is erratic, almost like they’re hungry and desperate to have the other one crawl under their skin. It feels parasitic, the way they get off each other right now, siphoning energy from each other because it makes them feel alive. 

The hard wood of the door collides against Yuugao’s back followed by the pressure over both of her wrists as he pins her hands above her head. He’s rough this time around and Yuugao welcomes it with all her might. There is heat between their stomachs like whirlpools even more addicting than the feeling of controlling chakra for the first time. Heat is present on her skin after Kakashi’s kisses leaves a trailblaze of flame underneath the places he kissed. Heat rises in her chest when she feels her heart coming to life again. 

Before these…  _ engagements  _ with Kakashi, Yuugao’s apartment had been filled with ghosts. Hayate, her mother, her father, the girl she used to be before bloodshed took over her life. She never quite learned to live with them as she favored distractions more than an attempt to actually grow. 

But now, she thinks that the ghosts have been exorcised out of her apartment — not quite out of her head but it’s a start. The constant presence of Kakashi gives her a clear view of the world beyond the illusions forced onto her by grief and pain. He makes her want to live more… both for him and for herself. Every single time they come together like this feels like he’s giving her his courage and bravery. Yuugao doesn’t know if she wants to thank him for exorcising the ghosts, or for preventing her from becoming one herself. 

Their clothes are off and his hand is  _ everywhere.  _ He touches her in places she couldn’t reach and takes her to places she’s sure she’d never be allowed into. Now, with her back against the couch, he kneels in front of her like she’s something holy and precious instead of a girl who’s haunted by ghosts and demons inside her head. He trails kisses along her thighs and her hips, revelling in the fact that his teasing is causing jolts of electricity to travel through Yuugao’s body. 

“I’ll make you forget about the pain.” His voice is barely above a whisper. Yuugao could only nod in anticipation, thinking about how rough he’s going to be tonight to make her forget. 

“Hurt me. Hurt me like you mean it.” She breathes out when his head is in between her thighs, his mouth working its magic on her. 

She tells him to hurt her, but he doesn’t. Instead, he works his tongue inside her like he’s saying a prayer. He laces their fingers together and allows her to squeeze his right hand tight while his left hand is busy with touching her so he could drive her to the point of no return. 

Yuugao is someone who never understood kindness and softness — not even after Hayate who’s easily one of the most gentle people. It’s the reason why Kakashi makes sure that he’s soft and tender with her. He wants to show her that there is more to the world than just pain. 

When he feels her press herself against him while his mouth shows her just how gentle he could be, Kakashi stops to lie her down on the couch, kissing her in the places that he knows she feels pain. Her chest — for the pain that comes when her heart is aching for the people she never had enough time with. The back of her ear — for he’s sure that she hates hearing the pity in other people’s voices when they speak to her. Her lips — because he knows that it’s the gateway to her soul. 

He enters her slowly. It’s done so tenderly and it makes Yuugao want to cry, not because she hates it or him, or that she doesn’t want this. It’s because she wants him so bad and that she wants them to be  _ one  _ and like this forever. She wants the heat of his skin against her, their chests touching closely that it feels like they’re sharing an entire heartbeat together. 

When he moves against her, Yuugao leaves scratches on his back in a desperate attempt to tighten her clutches on him — afraid that he would go anywhere else. He whispers words in her ear, words that shut her the ghosts in her head up because he’s everything good in this world and he talks to her like she’s a saint or something from beyond heavens. Yuugao doesn’t think she deserves him, but she wouldn’t trade this for anything else in the world. 

He quickens the pace and Yuugao feels her soul leave her body, transcending into the place where all good people go. It’s like they’re performing the act of catharsis itself where he purges out everything that is evil, unworthy, pitiful, and horrifying about her with every single move. His hand curls around her hair as they both near their release and Yuugao wonders if this is what it feels like to be powerful and weightless and rid of all her sins. 

She finds her answer when they come together and her head is silent for the first time since she went on that godforsaken mission. 

“You don’t need pain to forget, Yuugao. Remember that.” Kakashi kisses her forehead and takes the blanket from her room to wrap around the two of them. He cuddles against her like she’s the only source of heat, and Yuugao likes it that way. 

-

**DEFINITIONS NEVER CAME UP IN THE TOPIC OF YUUGAO AND KAKASHI’S CONVERSATIONS.** Not even when they’re holding each other at three in the morning with her hand against his heartbeat and his arm wrapped around her like she’s his prized possession. It’s not like they’re trying to convince themselves that this relationship is strictly no-strings-attached because they both know that they  _ need  _ each other like this. Only Yuugao knows how to quell the storms in Kakashi’s chest, and only Kakashi knows how to shut the ghosts up in Yuugao’s head. The notion of defining what they are is just… not a priority. 

So when one of Yuugao’s colleagues — one younger than her by two years — had asked her if she’s free to grab dinner soon as a date, Yuugao didn't know what to say. From the corner of her eye, she sees Kakashi walk out of the hall leading to the Hokage’s office and she feels her breath get caught up in her throat. 

Their eyes meet and Kakashi, who’s wearing his haori for some reason, winks at her — something her colleague must have noticed. 

“Oh… I’m sorry I didn’t know you and  _ Rokudaime-sama  _ are…” He trails off with a sheepish and guilty look on his face. 

“We’re— I—” She’s at loss for words because she doesn’t really know  _ what  _ they are. Yuugao wishes that she’s not stuck in this situation, or that she’s the only one dealing with it. If she’s going to be asked an awkward question, it would be better if Kakashi is there to feel the awkwardness of it all too. 

Kakashi isn’t here, though. He’s probably out there being a good Hokage while Yuugao has to sort through the multitude of thoughts in her brain, trying to think of the ways in which she could answer or get away from this conversation without undermining or overestimating her relationship with the Hokage. 

“No I get it,  _ senpai.  _ It’s fine.” Her colleague speaks with an understanding smile on his face before bowing in front of her and walking away. 

She watches his retreating figure while thinking about how she and Kakashi are obviously too old for this. Yuugao, at twenty eight, has outgrown the feeling of being insecure over the lack of labels. It doesn’t mean that being asked about  _ what they are  _ doesn’t make her squirm, though. 

Most of her day in the office is spent thinking about Kakashi and how their heartbeats would sync up during unexpected moments. At some point in her life, Yuugao felt completely heartless. Like her heart just ceased to exist and left her physical body standing in the plane of existence without so much as caring to take her with it. 

The moment Hayate died, her heart came with him six feet underground. Rediscovering that she still has a heart that exists deep beneath her ribcage is something she owes to Hayate. Hayate who had been patient and optimistic and swore allegiance to her underneath the moon — all of these had awoken the beating in her chest she has long assumed to have gone numb. 

His passing is her greatest downfall. With a heart that died together with her past lover, Yuugao became an uncontrollable variable. ANBU’s wildcard, so to speak. Missions with her are guaranteed to be successful, but bloody and incredibly messy to clean up after. The people responsible for sealing the body would always,  _ always  _ click their tongue in dismay at how badly Yuugao had handled it. 

_ You’re supposed to go for the quick kill, Cat.  _ One of the people in her team had told her. Yuugao understood this completely, but  _ they  _ never killed Hayate quickly. They made him suffer, and by extension, her. It felt fitting that everyone suffers in her wake. 

When Kakashi found her in the memorial a year and a half after Hayate’s demise, it’s the first time Yuugao cried properly. All of her repressed emotions that somehow converted to uncontrollable rage shifted back into their rawest form: grief and sadness. 

Hayate rediscovered the existence of her heart, while Kakashi brought it back to life. This is something Yuugao still feels uncomfortable admitting out loud, especially within the vicinity of Kakashi, but she knows that he is vaguely aware of what his effect on her is. 

The door opens and she sees a familiar blond hair sticking into the doorframe. Yuugao couldn’t help but to smile at the way he always peeks into the office prior to entering, as opposed to his usual command when entering other rooms that aren’t hers. 

“It’s ten in the evening, Yuugao. Shikamaru told me you were still here.” He proceeds to enter the office, closing the door behind him. He’s not wearing his haori anymore. 

“You were wearing the haori a while ago.” Yuugao states, pretending to look over at her paperwork so it  _ looks  _ like she’s doing something and not thinking about Kakashi and how he can somehow shape her life back into how she wants it to be. 

“Gaara stopped by. I figured it would be rude to greet a fellow Kage without the uniform on, you know.” He shrugs and takes a seat on the chair in front of her, the one her subordinates would usually sit on whenever they’re discussing important matters. 

Kakashi looks out of place on the chair. She thinks he’d look better if he’s on top of her instead. 

It feels like there’s something underneath her skin and Yuugao looks up to meet dark gray hues staring at her. Heat rises up to her cheeks and she finds herself mumbling a  _ why _ . 

“Just wondering how long it would take before you realize that I  _ know  _ you’re not actually doing paperwork.” Even without looking underneath his mask, Yuugao knows that he’s smirking.

Her eyes widen for a moment before she regains her composure. As an ANBU operative, Yuugao is rarely caught off guard — not even Yamato could do that, and he’d tried multiple times. This is one of the very few things that only Kakashi is able to do to her — aside from other… very obvious things of course. 

“You wouldn’t know that.” Yuugao rolls her eyes — childish, she knows, but at least she’s not the  _ older  _ person in the room. 

“When you’re doing paperwork your tongue sticks out of the corner of your mouth and your eyebrows are scrunched the entire time.” 

Yuugao blinks — looks at him and then to the paperwork in front of her. She could feel the universe’s gravity working on her, pushing her to him like it’s how everything should be. Like it’s the way of the Earth itself, bound to happen as mandated by the celestial bodies and the interwoven chain of events that led them here. 

Without wasting anymore time, she stands up and bends over her table and paperwork so she could pull his mask down and kiss him from where he sits. He smells like mint and cloves and she could vaguely taste sugar on his lips — he must have eaten dessert a while ago. She could feel him smile against her lips which prompts her to press herself further into him, like she could burrow herself underneath his skin and make a home for herself there and he’d let her. 

“You’ll hurt your back and your arm bent over like that.” He gently pulls away, one hand on the side of her head, with a grin that makes her feel hazy and tingly all over her body. 

“Want to go home?” She asks him. Neither of them ask where  _ home  _ is, but by an unspoken consensus, they find themselves in Yuugao’s tiny apartment. In the very same place where they became one and the same multiple times. The very same place where it feels like they’re untouchable and unbreakable by every single horrible thing that wants to remind them of the worst things about their loss and their grief. 

Their mourning, sadness, and fear will forever be kept in their hearts — in a space that is reserved only for those emotions. They do not fester, neither do they disappear entirely. Instead, the mourning, the sadness, the fear, and everything else that accompanies them are welcomed wholeheartedly because it takes every single one of those broken pieces to fit together in order to feel  _ whole.  _ Something Kakashi and Yuugao did not fully realize until they started to go to the memorial together instead of leaving their interactions up to fate and mere coincidences. 

(Kakashi is never really a believer of fate, and neither is Yuugao. But Yuugao makes her way to conversion when she realizes that she meets Kakashi in the memorial far too often for it to be coincidental. When the ghosts in her head stopped talking for a moment, they left behind a single voice that said:  _ This is fated; you and him. _ ) 

Navigating her apartment in the dark is no heavy feat for either of them. Kakashi has been here so many times that he could find his way to her bedroom even in the dark, and Yuugao had lived in darkness her entire life that it’s never been hard for her to see even without the absence of light. 

Maybe it’s why she’s in the Cat division of the ANBU Black Ops. Cats could see everything even in the dark, right? 

She could even see the rise and fall of Kakashi’s chest and how his hand trembles just a little before he places it on her cheek, holding her with extreme care like she’s going to break with one wrong move. With a sigh, Yuugao touches his hand, entwines her fingers with his and stands on the tips of her toes so she could kiss his forehead.

“I’m not going to break, you know.” She whispers when he touches her forehead against hers as soon as he felt the absence of her lips on his forehead. 

“I know. I’m just… sometimes I’m having a hard time thinking whether all of this is real.” His arms wrap around her waist, pulling her closer to him. “What if I’m going to wake up to find you gone and that all of this isn’t real.” 

“I’m right here, aren’t I? I’m as real as I’ll ever be.” Yuugao finally decides to close the gap between them. 

Words can only do so much, and Yuugao had never really been a fan of words to elaborate whatever it is she feels. It’s part of growing up with emotions that are too repressed for her own good — but that’s besides the point. There’s only one way to show Kakashi that she’s real and that she’s here right in front of him without any plans of leaving. 

She takes off his flak jacket and slides her hands underneath his shirt, her fingers smoothing over his spine and the scars over his back. The sigh that comes from Kakashi is enough to bring every single nerve in Yuugao’s body to life, it’s like she’s suddenly all too aware of every movement and where she wants to touch him in order to prove the realness that is her standing in front of him.  _ I’m right here, Kakashi.  _ She thinks as she kisses a scar over his chest when she takes off his shirt.  _ I’m real.  _ She sucks on the sensitive skin behind his ear.  _ I’m never going to leave.  _ She softly runs her lips over the skin on his left arm that had been marked with the ANBU tattoo.  _ I’ll be with you forever.  _ Their lips meet with intensity and passion that could never match the height of Yuugao’s uncontrollable rage and Kakashi’s insurmountable grief. 

If this is what it feels like to find her place in the world, to finally seek refuge from the wars that constantly chased her since the day she first opened her eyes, then Yuugao desperately wishes that it’s the same way for Kakashi too. That he finds his refuge in her the same way she did in him. The weight has been lifted off her chest, the ghosts in her head are finally refusing to speak even if she looks for them, and the perpetual sight of blood on her hands is gone. 

Kakashi’s back lands on the mattress with a soft thud and Yuugao smiles at him, gentle and caring and  _ present.  _ Their eyes lock when she straddles him and for a moment, Yuugao sees infinites within his gaze — like he holds all the secrets of the universe and it takes just  _ one  _ look this intense in order to unlock all of those. 

He helps her out of her clothes until she’s left in nothing but her undergarments, sitting on the bulge of his erection through his pants. She feels lightning in her veins that are so strong it could probably rival the strength of Kakashi’s Chidori. It sets her entire body alight and her heavy breathing as she scatters kisses all over his torso could attest to that. 

Yuugao could feel his hands all over her; the back of her neck, her ANBU tattoo, on her thighs, her back, and then he finally stops committing her body to memory by undoing the clasp of her bra. 

“Did I ever tell you that you look beautiful?” His gaze is even more intense than it has been a second ago. It makes Yuugao want to stare at him forever. 

“Not as beautiful as you.” She kisses the beauty mark on the left corner of his mouth, “You look like you were sculpted by the deities.” 

“Do you believe in them?” He asks, running a finger over her features because memorizing them by sight is simply not enough. He wants to commit the memory of Yuugao and all her entirety in his five senses. He wants to remember the taste of her when he kisses her and when he makes her come with his mouth. He wants to remember the smell of her lavender shampoo and the cucumber soap she always uses. He wants to remember how she sounds when she laughs, and when she makes sounds of pleasure that is somehow enough for Kakashi to get off to. He wants to remember how it feels like when her body is against his because when their skins are touching,  _ it’s home _ . He wants to remember how she looks because looking at Yuugao is looking at salvation. 

“I don’t know. But I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of their existence… I mean… you’re here and you exist after all. I doubt your existence is just a mere result of a forgotten condom.” Her laugh is soft and melodic that it tugs on the strings of Kakashi’s heart that used to be dysfunctional. 

The way Yuugao laughs is soft, but it’s enough to make Kakashi do the same. He kisses underneath her jaw and licks it once before whispering: “I don’t believe in deities, but I do believe that you’re quite possibly the best result of a forgotten condom.” 

Yuugao playfully slaps his arm and she pushes him back on the bed, finally tugging down his pants and his underwear. She stands up to slide her panties off and Kakashi watches her while taking notice of how heat is steadily growing at his very core. As if teasing him, she winks at him and slowly goes back to her position from a while ago. 

When she sinks onto him, she feels the pleasure and pain of finding refuge with someone. Despite being two separate entities, it feels like she’s becoming a part of him — an extension of his body and soul. His split-apart. Slowly, she picks up the pace and arches her back in pleasure when she feels his fingers pressing hard on her hips, guiding her as she rides him. 

“Still don’t think I’m real?” She asks him in between ragged breaths. 

“Prove it to me a bit more, won’t you?” He smirks and  _ god  _ when he smirks she feels like her entire body is melting in order to mold itself onto him. 

“I’ll do you so good you won’t ever think about me being an illusion ever again.” She grits her teeth and moves faster, making sure that he feels grounded and never on the verge of wandering around the forest of despair and abandonment ever again. 

He grunts, eyes rolling in pleasure before shifting their position so he’s on top of her. With a sly grin on her face, Yuugao turns so her back is to him. There’s no need to ask, both of them knew the other enough to know that  _ this  _ is what’s going to make everything feel real. 

Yuugao moans when he pushes into her, his hand on the back of her neck. Everything feels like it’s falling into place. It’s almost like they live in their own nook of the universe, tucked away from the pain that several other worlds would want to inflict on them. In this universe of theirs, every pain is pleasure — even the ones they try to run away from because it allows them to feel  _ this.  _ She doesn’t mind thinking about how their shared pain from losing people is screwed into the machinations of fate that pushed them towards each other. It’s through their grief that they managed to push each other to feel again. 

Without their mourning, they would never have been able feel everything when they’re with each other. It’s like walking into a tunnel, it’s dark in the beginning, but there’s light shining at the end. 

A sound escapes the back of Kakashi’s throat and Yuugao thinks that it’s the sound of discovering all the secrets of the universe. If the planets and the stars all come together and form one cosmic miracle that would relieve Yuugao of every single haunting thought that pushes her mind into the pits of hell and darkness, that’s what it’s going to sound like. 

She breathes out,  _ harder harder harder,  _ because she wants this cosmic miracle to take her whole and devoid her of everything unworthy and gross that lingers inside her system. 

When the cosmic miracle happens, Yuugao cries out and she could hear him moan from behind her before he lays beside her. The single voice of reason in her head speaks:  _ he’s real too, Yuugao.  _

She smiles at him. 

Due to Yuugao’s nagging, Kakashi had been roped into changing the sheets after they both cleaned themselves up. Yuugao is wearing an oversized shirt that looks as though it had been stretched in the laundry far too many times. Kakashi squints before realizing that it’s the shirt he left in her apartment. 

“It looks good on you.” He blinks at her. 

“I think  _ you  _ look good on me.” She smiles at him sheepishly and laughs when he shakes his head at her. 

He settles back on her bed when the new sheets are placed. As per Yuugao’s instructions, she wants the brand new comforter to be used because it’s still too cold and she’s not particularly fond of the cold. 

(Kakashi always knew that she hates the cold. It’s why he keeps a spare sweater in his office so he could bring it down to Yuugao’s ANBU office during cold days because she has this tendency to forget to bring a jacket with her. If she ever noticed, she never said anything.) 

“Sleepy?” She asks when she finally takes her place next to him, nuzzling her head against his neck and pressing a featherlight kiss against it. 

He nods and kisses her forehead and Yuugao briefly wonders if she deserves this; being cared for. He pulls the blanket over them and makes sure that it reaches Yuugao’s shoulder. 

It feels like a fever dream to be taken care of like this as Yuugao had to live by herself throughout her entire life. The only years she’d ever known love and care were the years prior to ANBU when her parents had been alive and during her three year relationship with Hayate. Try as she might to wrack her brain for these memories, it seems as though they have evaded her entirely. Nearly twenty years have passed since her parents’ deaths and Yuugao honestly doesn’t know where to draw memories of them anymore. It has been six years since Hayate died and while the memories are still vivid in her head, she couldn’t quite relive everything she’d felt with him anymore. 

To be cared for like this… to be given the softness and gentleness that she had lacked throughout the span of her life makes her stomach flutter and her heart settle into a steady beating. It’s like the final step to a ritual that would bring her back to life after living with the ghosts in her head for  _ years.  _

“Do you think your students know that you’re a cuddler?” She teases and pulls the blanket over them. 

“I never realized I like cuddling until we did it.” As if trying to prove his point, he runs a hand over the arch of her back before squeezing her tightly. Yuugao laughs, careless and loud. 

The thing with Yuugao’s laughter is that it’s so contagious that it makes Kakashi feel so  _ alive  _ that he tends to forget what it feels like to live with a cold, dead heart. It’s like the carefree days of his youth is back and he never had to grow up with years and years of accumulated trauma. 

“Huh… so I’m the person that made  _ Rokudaime-sama  _ realize he’s a cuddler. I am honored.” Her head is resting on his chest and she could hear his heartbeat from beneath his skin. She wonders if there are worlds beneath his chest, worlds that she could live in where the planets and stars would welcome her into their arms warmly. 

“You’re the only one I’d cuddle.” He replies with conviction, almost as if he’s sure that this is going to be the way they are forevermore. 

“Same here.” She thinks back to her thoughts earlier in the day, about labels and the definition of what she and Kakashi are. Aside from her belief that they are split-aparts, she thinks that they’re both extensions of each other now. Their existence is bound together by an invisible cord that the celestial bodies tied around them before they could even open their eyes into the world. 

No words or labels could explain that, and Yuugao doesn’t really mind. What they have is certainly stronger than those definitions, and she’s sure that Kakashi knows this too. 

-

**THE LAST TIME YUUGAO HAD BEEN CONFRONTED WITH THE NOTION OF BEING IN LOVE, SHE HAD BEEN EIGHTEEN AND UPTIGHT.** She didn’t even realize it herself until her subordinates — Kiji and Kanna, two impossibly chaotic ANBU agents whom she took under her wing — pointed out to her that her eyes light up when Hayate is around. 

Kanna made a comment back then about how that’s probably what love looks like, to which Kiji only responded with a glance before diverting his attention to his katana. For two kids who barely have an idea about the actual mechanisms of love, Yuugao thought that maybe it is something happening if they are able to point it out like it’s as simple as holding a sword. 

It’s impossible not to miss the days where Yuugao is not burdened with large amounts of paperwork for ANBU, and when she’s still looking after her subordinates like an older sister… or maybe even a mother. When the adrenaline rush of missions is replaced with the stress of going through mission reports and signatories, Yuugao finally realizes that this is the horrible reality of adulthood. 

She’s still fit, agile, and arguably still in her prime. But obviously, with her position being on the upper ranks, she’d have to take a step back in order to perform more boring tasks. There’s nothing interesting in her life now, other than Kiji and Kanna’s current observation now. 

“You seem a bit happier these days when you hang out with Hokage-sama.” Kanna tells her, green eyes wide and curious as she stares at Yuugao. 

“I think you need to stop commenting on Yuugao-senpai’s personal life.” Kiji replies, always stoic and seemingly disinterested with the conversation at hand. Yuugao couldn’t blame him; there’s nothing interesting going on in her life really. 

“But Ki-chan, don’t you think it’s about time Yuugao-senpai falls in love again? Before she hung out with Kakashi-sensei she always looks like she’s about to go through the end of the world twice.” Kanna reasons out with only a small glimmer in her eyes. 

The duo’s seemingly lack of expression fascinates Yuugao all the time. To the onlookers, Kanna and Kiji are only able to have fun when they are causing chaos (whether it be messing up Mrs. Nara’s lawn, following Inoichi around until he’s left with a resigned irritation, or when they’re sparring and one gets a little  _ too  _ close to injuring the other). But Yuugao had spent enough time with the two to know that their eyes often give them away. 

“You two talk about me like I’m not here.” Yuugao finally inserts herself into the conversation with a fond smile on her face. 

“Well regardless of whether you’re here or not the topic  _ is  _ about you. We’re just worried about you senpai, that’s all.” Kiji responds and Kanna nods in agreement. 

“You know who I love?” Yuugao looks at the two and waits for their subtle reaction. When Kiji finally looks at her and when the glimmer in Kanna’s eyes is reignited, Yuugao continues: “You two. I don’t have family anymore, but you two kind of filled that role in easily.” 

Kiji makes a noise of disgust, the very same noise he’d made when he was thirteen and witnessed her and Hayate holding hands for the first time. Kanna smiles, the kind that reaches her eyes and it makes her look as pretty as the flowers that bloom in springtime. 

Yuugao only laughs because yet again she’s confronted by the idea of love.  _ Storge  _ for Kiji and Kanna who had been there even longer than her actual family, and  _ eros  _ for the man who brought her heart back to life after it went six feet underground. 

**YUUGAO PAYS A VISIT TO KAKASHI’S PLACE LATER IN THE NIGHT AFTER DINNER WITH KIJI AND KANNA.** She even brought him some dessert from the restaurant because she couldn’t quite stomach the idea of going to his place empty handed. 

He answers the door with his mask on, but takes it off as soon as they enter. When he’s not looking and busy going through the pages of Icha Icha, Yuugao tries her best to memorize all the lines in his face. 

There had been a time where Yuugao remembers only ever seeing his masked face. Curiosity had been plaguing her mind ever since she was thirteen and had learned of her senior’s abilities and prodigy status that made her want to rise from her mediocrity amongst the ANBU ranks. 

Back when she first joined, they had been in different squads — but it’s impossible not to hear about the prodigy within the ANBU Black Ops. He’s amazing during missions and incredibly dependable to get the job done. For someone who only knew a life of missions in ANBU, he is everything that Yuugao ever wanted to be. So when she gets transferred to Team Ro, she couldn’t help but to feel some sort of elation. 

Yuugao never wished for things to have gone differently. She never wished for her time in ANBU with Kakashi to be longer, nor did she ever wish that she’d met him earlier than expected. 

Right now, while she’s looking at him in the faint glow of his living room lamp, she thinks that maybe the timing of fate is impeccable. 

“Something on your mind, Yuugao?” A smirk curls at the end of his lips when he glances sideways to meet her gaze. 

She doesn’t pretend that she’s not looking at him so intensely just now. She keeps her eyes on him like she’s trying to peel off all his metaphorical layers, stripping him down to the very essence of his being. It’s like looking at the moon — except he’s more beautiful. 

Her mind wanders off to Kanna’s remark earlier. It never really occurred to her that it’s…  _ that _ until Kanna pointed it out for her. If this happened a few years ago, back when Kiji and Kanna were still  _ children,  _ back when she had been a void of a teenager, then maybe she wouldn’t have believed Kanna. But they’re all grown ups now, all of them are  _ learned  _ and know better than they had before. 

It’s impossible for that to be a lie, not when love is staring at her right in this moment. Love is gray eyes with a scar on the other one, and an annoying smirk that one could not help but to kiss away. 

“Kanna’s getting smarter,” She replies, withholding the information from him for now. She doesn’t know how he’s going to take it, but she hopes that he doesn’t take it horribly for when she decides to come clean about it to him. Yuugao doesn’t think she can handle another heartbreak, even if it’s just an unreturned confession. 

“Are we talking about the Kanna from ANBU… or?” His eyebrows are raised, and Yuugao laughs so brightly that it’s almost blinding. 

Kakashi finally sets Icha Icha down on the coffee table and pulls Yuugao closer to him, her head resting on his shoulder. Being affectionate is something Yuugao never imagined Kakashi would be, but she loves being on the receiving end of his one-armed hugs and his forehead kisses. It’s one of the reasons why she feels so safe and away from the reach of the ghosts that haunted her whenever she’s with him. 

“I think she knows me like the back of her hand… Kiji too.” She wonders aloud, absentmindedly intertwining their fingers together. 

“You’ve known them for a decade. I honestly think they know you better than anyone else here in Konoha.” 

“I beg to differ. I think you know me the same amount… if not more.” She smiles when she looks up at him and debates whether she should kiss him or not. She ends up just nuzzling her forehead on his neck like their bodies are not close enough. 

“They know what goes on in your brain, I don’t.” 

“Do you want to know a secret?” She whispers in the shell of his ear. 

He gives her a curious look and Yuugao feels her heart’s erratic beating against her chest. It’s wildly out of control and it’s screaming the most recent discovery she made earlier in the day. 

“I love you.” Yuugao breathes out, unable to hear her voice over the sound of her heart beating erratically against her chest. The last time she told someone that she loves them in  _ this  _ way had been six years ago. She forgot the feeling of exhilaration and freedom that comes with the verbalization of these three words. 

This time, she is not plagued by the voices in her head nor is she haunted by the fear of losing someone. Her heart is filled with hope and warmth and she thinks that maybe this is what being  _ okay  _ feels like. 

“Let me tell you a little secret as well,” Kakashi runs his fingers through her hair. “I love you too.” He kisses her forehead and it feels like the universe is perfectly aligned. 

-

**EVERYONE GROWS OLD.** Yuugao is not one to be spared from the sands of time even if her face is one that looks a little younger than expected. There are one or two gray strands of hair hidden between her purple tresses, and there are a few wrinkles on her face. The bags under her eyes could have been attributed to her age, but she knows that it’s all just due to the paperwork she got from ANBU. All in all, though, Yuugao supposes that she has gotten pretty old over the years. 

It’s both haunting and amusing to know that the rest of the world has aged with her. Kiji and Kanna are both thirty now; one of them had chosen to leave the world of the ANBU Black Ops altogether in favor of working on weapons, and the other is responsible for training the brand new ANBU recruits. Yamato’s stamina has started to waver and thus, prefers escort missions over the usual tiring missions he’s usually placed in along with Yuugao. While Kakashi still doesn’t look a day over thirty five, his wrinkles became more prominent and obvious — a direct result of his Hokage duties. 

The planet is still spinning in its axis, but somehow it grew old in the sense that everything became much more refined. Peacetime in Konoha is something Yuugao is quite happy about. Everyone seems much more relaxed now and less guarded. It’s very far from the time where Yuugao had to constantly watch her back and grip her sword after every suspicious sound. 

Somehow, she feels as though everything is the way it should be. Almost like a perfectly fitted piece to a jigsaw puzzle. It’s the result of everyone’s sacrifices — her parents, Hayate, and everyone else who dedicated their life to the Leaf. 

Yuugao sighs and rolls over to look at Kakashi’s sleeping figure. One thing she has noticed over the years is that Kakashi’s bed hair is quite adorable. It sticks up in the way it usually does, but some pieces of his hair tend to stick up in the other direction. 

Carefully, Yuugao runs her fingers through his hair, making sure not to wake him up as he only gets a few hours of sleep. She glances at the clock beside him and deduces that this is the most sleep he has gotten in a week. 

Heat radiates from Kakashi and Yuugao makes sure that she stays close so she wouldn’t have to deal with the cold December breeze. It’s winter time and there is never enough heat to go around — Yuugao is merely trying to be resourceful. 

(Plus, she also  _ really  _ likes cuddling against Kakashi. There’s nothing better than the feeling of placing her arms around his figure while her cheek rests on his chest. It’s every touch-starved person’s dream.) 

By now, Yuugao had already memorized every detail in Kakashi’s face when he’s asleep. She knows how his lashes look as they rest on his skin. She knows the distance of his lips’ parting. She knows how his features are only made more beautiful when the ray of sunlight hits them from the slight opening of the blinds. Every day she looks at him and swears that he only becomes more beautiful each time. 

She has been waking up next to him for a few years now after Kakashi asked her to just move into his place two years ago. It happens out of the blue when Yuugao had been trying to reach the cereal on the top shelf of his kitchen cupboard. He’d stood behind her to reach the box for her and gave her his usual lazy grin when she turned to face him. 

“You’re always in here, you know.” He’d asked her then. 

The embarrassment she’d felt at the time is strong enough to be vividly remembered until this day. 

With red cheeks, she looked at the ground and responded: “Well you can always kick me out if you want to. I’m not opposed to leaving your place.” 

Kakashi only laughed before tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. 

“I’m not trying to get you to leave. I’m doing the opposite of that, actually.” 

Despite being one of the smartest people in the ANBU Black Ops, Yuugao didn’t understand what he’d been trying to say. It felt like a riddle at the time — an impossible-to-solve word game that Yuugao would have hated trying to solve. 

Thankfully, Kakashi never tried to make her guess when she looked at him with confused eyes. 

“Just… get your stuff and move here. You don’t have a lot of things and this apartment is big enough for the two of us.” Kakashi took another breath before continuing: “Saves you the need to alternate between your place and mine.” 

It took Yuugao a few seconds before the message sank into her system, and a few more seconds before she eventually nodded in agreement. 

That had been the start of everything else. 

Right now Yuugao scooches closer to Kakashi and closes her eyes while trying to minimize her movement. It surprises her, though, when she feels him move next to her. 

Yuugao opens her eyes to see sleepy dark gray hues looking at her. 

“You  _ need  _ more sleep. Go back to sleep.” Instead of the usual greeting, Yuugao tries to get him to sleep. He’d pulled several all-nighters throughout the week while trying to make a dent in the stacks of paperwork in his office. 

He probably would have worked himself and Shikamaru to death if Ino hadn’t stormed into his office, demanding to get her boyfriend back. It was almost funny, except Kakashi returned with horrible undereye circles and Yuugao made him  _ swear  _ to get at least five hours of sleep each day. 

“I don’t want to when you’re awake, though.” He responds, tucking his head into the crook of her shoulder which makes Yuugao giggle. 

“How long has it been since you last slept a full eight hours?” 

“Ask me a question I know the answer to next time.” 

Somehow, they managed to find themselves in a time where everything is at peace and a time where they have each other to rely on. There are no ghosts in Yuugao’s head anymore since she’s made her peace with the deaths of her parents and Hayate. Although looking at the memorial still hurts, it doesn’t come with the excruciating pain that only fuels her rage. 

The pain is tolerable now. It’s like a part of her that she has learned to live with without being overpowered by the magnitude of its destructiveness. Everything hurts less now that she’s figured out how to move forward instead of allowing herself to be stuck on every tragedy that befell her. 

It’s no secret that she’s able to move forward because of Kakashi. Every step she took just to get to him is one accompanied by heavy introspection and realizations — some of these steps she had to take with him in order to stay level headed amongst the storm of emotions she had to fight. 

_ Thank you.  _ Yuugao thinks as she kisses his forehead. She doesn’t think Kakashi saved her — only she is capable of that — but he did walk with her out of the dark corner she backed herself in. Now, Yuugao could finally confidently say that she’s stepped back into the light. 

“What if I ask you to marry me? Would you know the answer to that?” Yuugao asks, courage surging through her veins. 

Along with the courage, though, is the anticipation and nervousness. It’s something she blurted out in the moment. A statement that she never really thought she’d say right now. 

Kakashi moves to position himself slightly on top of her, eyes fixed on hers. His brows are furrowed and she doesn’t need to look twice to know that he is thinking. 

It feels like Yuugao’s heart is about to beat out of her chest right now. 

“Now tell me why did you just beat me to a proposal.” He blinks, a grin breaking out before he kisses her. “You’re supposed to be the one saying ‘yes’ here.” He groans, but the smile on his face gives him away. 

Yuugao laughs before kissing him once more. 

For most of her life, Yuugao had never really believed in fate. She’d thought of it as a thing of fairy tales, something that would make these stories interesting and worthy of one’s jealousy. But as she lays here with Kakashi, tucked away into their room away from the prying eyes of the rest of the world, she is finally given the confirmation that fate does exist. 

She finally believes that yes, maybe there are some people she’s meant to be with. 

**Author's Note:**

> kiji and kanna are original characters made by me and my friend and i love them sm that i just had to put them here. also notice how they never put a label on it and just straight up just moved in together and got married... power move.


End file.
